Where's Maya?

Growing up, I never expected to be a Step-Mom, but I always knew I'd be a Mom.

It didn't take Dave and I long to decide that we would have our own children. We'd talked about it at length and after only two months of marriage we were surprised to find out we were having a baby:) Michael has been such a blessing to us, and has really bound our family together. Michael was the one person in our family that was connected to each of us by blood. He cemented our family ties.

For a long time life went on without question from Michael. Partly because he couldn't talk:) and partly because he knew no other family schedule. I started to do some research on what to tell Michael about Maya and her being a part of two families, why she wasn't here all the time, where she was when Maya was at her Mom's, who her Mom was, etc...but came up blank every time. I knew Michael was starting to get curious about things, but had no clue what to tell him.

When Michael was two, he understood that we dropped Maya off at school in the mornings. So that was what we told him. Maya was at school. Even when she wasn't. It made me feel a bit guilty because it was a lie, but I didn't know what else to say. I wanted Michael to understand, but I didn't want to confuse him.

The school thing did work for a while, but then Michael turned three and started asking questions. Questions I did not know how to answer.

CRAP! How do I explain this to a three year old?!

I was completely at a loss. Then I thought about something...someone actually. There is one person in this world that could understand and might even have advice for me. After all, she does have two younger kids that are dealing with the same thing. Maya's Mom. So I asked her, and she had a really great solution. Here's what she told me:

"Here's what I've had to tell elliot and fisher...I explained to them that there are different kinds of families...some houses have a mom, some have a dad, some have a mom and dad...and some have 2 moms or 2 dads...had to add that last one in there!! They know that I am mayas mom and dave is her dad. They know that I am their mom and eric is their dad. I told them that some moms and dads don't live together but they both love their kids. I would tell michael...if you want my advice...that you are his mom and dave is his dad and I am mayas mom and dave is her dad. And sometimes moms and dads don't live together. And you are mayas 'bonus' mom (I just read that term in a magazine). its the easiest way to explain it w/o going into all the gory details. Hopefully he gets it and doesn't ask too many questions. Those are just my thoughts. Let me know how it goes..."

Lightbulb! How had I never thought of this in such simple terms?

Have you ever asked for advice from "the ex"? It can be a little scary and a little humbling, but in the end Maya's Mom was the only one that could really understand my situation...from just about every angle. There is a lot more I need to learn about parenting my boys vs. stepparenting Maya and how to be effective at both simultaneously, but I think with a little help I'll be just fine. Afterall, I'm not on this journey alone...there are many people that I can lean on for support and advice. Today I am thankful for all those people!

Happy Monday,
The Other Mother

some very exciting blogs I want to share

Ok, I know I just posted something for you guys, but I really wanted to share these blogs with you.

First of all, Zen Habits is a blog I've followed for a long time...probably shortly after it started, my hubby shared it with me. We're both hooked. Leo, the man behind Zen Habits, also has a second blog called Zen Family Habits. Both are truly wonderful!

Then we come to Melissa of the blog Peace and Projects. I learned about Peace and Projects because of this guest post on another blog I follow...Simple Marriage. Melissa is a stepmom, and in looking through her own blog I found this interview she did with Leo. I had no idea Leo was a stepparent, and now I feel like I can connect with him on a new level through his blogs. I love finding other stepparents out there who have advice and experiences to share!

I hope you guys can also find good life tips through Simple Marriage, Zen Habits, Zen Family Habits, and Peace and Projects like I have.

The Other Mother

some resolution and some resolutions

Remember this post? Well here is a little follow up for you guys...

1. Death: I recently read "Exerpts from 90 Minutes in Heaven", and it gave me a better picture of why Christians aren't scared of death. It's still hard for me to feel excited about the loss through death, but time heals all wounds and believing that my loved ones will end up in a better place is comforting to me.

2. Family: We have our family by blood, and this is very important because those are the people that will always be there for you and who will love you unconditionally; but here is how I choose to look at things. After being married for a little over 4 years, I'm finally beginning to let go of the in-law title from my husband's side of the family. It's still a little akward for me, but it is a process that takes time. To become family through marriage has always been a challenge for me. Maya is a great example for me in this area by the love and acceptance that she has shown me. Our relationship is a relationship built through marriage, but cemented through mutual love, shared experience, and caring actions. Another extension of my family I think is important is Maya's side of the family through her Mom. I've gone from viewing them as the enemy, to seeing their lives on display in court, to general acceptance of them, and now I like to view them as extended family. By changing the way that I saw them, I have been able to change the way I feel about them. Some people might find this very strange, but I really do care for them. Because I care so deeply for Maya, I also care about them. They are important to Maya, and therefore by extension, important to me. I want good things for them. 

3. Lack of Holiday Cheer: I'm guessing that there is still some residual effect of the "incident" that is contributed to my general lack of holiday cheer this past Christmas. Between that and the recent death in my family, the emotional road that led to the death, and the two deaths in my family during December 2009...I just didn't feel like celebrating. It took me forever to take down the decorations. It was a relief to see them all packed away until next year. Here's hoping for a more spirited Christmas in 2011:)

4. Religion: At one time in my life, religion was a very personal thing for me. I felt like God was my friend. At another time in my life, I wanted nothing to do with religion but wasn't opposed to church, God and the spiritual realm. I've always believed that there is a place in society for religion. Now, I choose to believe because it is comforting. It ties me to my family. It gives me something to hope for and in. It introduces me to a whole community of people that I wouldn't have access to otherwise. It saves me. I'd be lying if I told you I was incredibly excited about religion, but these days there aren't that many things I would get that excited about. It's more of an inward thing for me. As I've come into adult-hood, I'm much more introverted than I ever was. It's not that I don't think God or religion shouldn't be shared...it's just that I'm not good at sharing things the same way I did in my youth. I am trying to share this with my children though, and that is probably the greatest way to share faith.

I have some resolutions this year in addition to some resolution that I have found in the above topics:

1. I'm going to read the Bible in a year...although I'm off to a pathetic start, I will finish by Dec 31, 2011.
2. For Christmas, I want to make one homemade gift for everyone. Whether big or small...I think Christmas will mean more if it's from the heart and not the store.
3. I will spend more one-on-one time with Michael and be more present with all my family.
4. In addition to reading the Bible in a year, I'm also going to read one book a month. So far, so good:)
5. I will finally donate my hair to cancer patients. I've tried this in the past, but that story is for another time...

I do have a few other resolutions, but these five are my main goals.

Happy Wednesday!
The Other Mother

PS - If I start talking about cutting my hair before it's long enough to donate...PLEASE STOP ME! I have a tendancy to get bored with my hair and chop it off...

my spontaneous weekend

Since I married Dave and became the matriarch of my wonderful little family, I have learned to live by very set schedules. Take one look at my google calendar and you will see 15 (literally, 15) different calendars layered on top of each other. Each individual in my family has their own calendar, then there is the regular parenting time calendar, the holiday parenting time calendar, Maya's school calendar, Maya's school district calendar, our family meal plan, the phases of the moon, weather...etc, you get the point. They're all color-coded too:)

Now I'm certainly not trying to complain about schedules right now, because I am happy we have such a good schedule and a good relationship with Maya's other home. BUT this scheduled life I lead does not leave much room for spontaneousness. I cannot remember the last time I decided to drive somewhere on a whim and do something without making plans. Until now:)

One recent weekend, the stars aligned and I had an opportunity for something unplanned! Dave was busy working all weekend, Maya was at her Mom's, and I didn't have a thing on the calendar.


NOTHING.
Did you hear that?!
This is a rare thing.

The other amazing thing is that an old friend I haven't seen since we were 17 years old was also free for the weekend. Her husband was out of town and she was only a couple hours away.

Knowing this might not happen again for eleven years, I took my chance. I was on Cloud 9:)

The weather was good and I packed some essentials. I figured that since my friend only lives 45 minutes away from my sister, I'd call her and reserve the "basement suite" for the night. Then I loaded the van, got the boys settled in for our adventurous day, and I hit the road with my favorite little guys. I was armed with my Caribou Coffee (thank goodness!) and my work phone. I'm on-call every other weekend, but the issues that come up are easily handled remotely. Most of the time.

I write schedules for work.

Looking back, it still amazes me that I was able to just hop in the car and go.


The drive was uneventful. My boys travel well, thankfully. Plus I timed our departure so MacKean was completely ready for a nap and it was close enough to Michael's naptime that his eyes got heavy shortly after I started driving.

A couple hours later, we were at my friend's house. It was a great visit! We mostly talked about what we've been doing these past 12 years. Genevieve has traveled the world on the missions field with her husband and I really hope there is another time soon for us to go deeper in our conversations. She also has an amazing blog that I think you should all check out.

After a few hours, the kids were ready to eat and get moving. So we said good-bye, and the boys and I continued our spontaneous adventure. An hour later, I was at my nephew's basketball game. My parents also happened to be visiting my sister that weekend, so after the game we all went swimming at the hotel. Unfortunately, there was poop in the water and Michael and MacKean didn't spend much time in the pool. Still, it was great to see my sister and her family. That doesn't happen often enough.

The next morning, I saw some old friends at church and enjoyed the last bits of freedom. In a few hours, my spontaneous weekend would be over and it was back to reality a little too soon. With the van packed and the boys buckled in their car seats, I hit the road.

The first 15 miles on the way home I drove through ground blizzard conditions. And snapped some pictures.

 Don't worry, I was looking at the road the whole time.

At first, it was really neat to drive through the swirling snow.

Then it made me a bit dizzy, and I hoped it would be over soon.

Thankfully there were plenty of other cars on the road, and only one of them was in the ditch.

As quickly as it started, it stopped. The roads were perfect after that, and I'm very thankful that my snapshots turned out so nicely! I can't wait for my next spontaneous weekend...because I plan to do this more often....if you can plan to be spontaneous...hmm...

two loves

February has me thinking about things I love. Books, music, and the people I share those things with.

I LOVE to read! It's something I used as an escape from my problems as a young girl, and it's something I use now to give me a break from the constant juggling act that motherhood and step-motherhood can be.

I LOVE to sing! Singing is magical for me. I use it to calm my babies to sleep. In the past, I've let music be my therapist and help me through some of life's biggest struggles. It's been a way that I've communicated to God, and a way that I've thanked Him.

I remember in 5th grade, my friends (who also loved reading and music as much as I did) and I LOVED Disney's Beauty and the Beast. We watched it all the time. We sang the songs at recess. We even put together our own little version of the songs and made our own "music videos". They were never actually recorded, but we pretended we were making a video at recess. This particular song was my favorite. Probably because we all thought we were just like Belle. I think she was our hero in a way.

I secretly wish that I could live in a musical.
I've always wanted to have my own theme song play whenever I enter a room.
Am I the only one?
Are there other people out there that wish for those things?

When I was a kid and actually had spare time, I would lose myself in multiple books a day. I'd read a book in an hour, and then pick up another one and finish it too. In college, I would start a book, get so into it, and read straight through to the next morning until I finished that book. During winter break one year, I went to my parents house and stayed in my room for about a week reading the Harry Potter books.

If there is one thing I hate about reading, it's having to put a book down.

Music makes life worth living if you ask me. There is something so universal about music that connects us all. No matter what our situation, gender, race, or ecomonic status; music is one thing that we all understand. My elementary school music teacher has forever impacted my life. She was the first person that truly helped me experience music. My Uncle Curt is the other most influential musician in my life. Mrs. Otter taught me the rules about music. Uncle Curt taught me how to improvise and feel music. Both are equally important.

Mrs. Otter was the reason I majored in vocal music education in college.

Lately, I find myself whistleing while I work. No seriously, I walk down the halls at work and whistle because I think people would probably laugh at me if I started singing. Why am I so insecure about that?! Whistleing has always been my back-up to singing:) When I was in 5th grade, I started playing volleyball. Through my years of playing volleyball, I sang at practice. All. the. time. My coaches would tell me to stop every day, but I just couldn't. There was a song in me and it needed to get out.

I'm starting to wonder why there is a song in me again lately. I haven't experienced this "need" to sing/whistle for YEARS! I'm going to have to think about this one...

Since I've had my own children, I haven't done a whole lot of reading or singing. As the New Year came and I was thinking about my resolutions, I decided I need to read more. So I made it my goal to read one book a month. I won't kid myself into thinking that a book club would be a good idea...because quite frankly, I don't have time.

I'm happy to report that last night (only one day into Feb) I finished my January book! I read The Help by Kathryn Stockett. That book was amazing. It took me a few chapters to get into it, but when I finally figured out how the story was structured, it all clicked and I didn't want to put it down.

Maya reminds me a lot of myself when it comes to music and reading. She always has her nose in a book and a song on her tongue. I love that about her, and hope that I am encouraging her in those areas. In fact, books and music were some of the earliest connections that Maya and I had. We've read some of the same books recently, and as she is getting older and more mature I'm hoping that we will have many more books to share with each other. Someday I hope we can sing more together, but I think for now I'm just a bit too insecure about my voice. I'm totally out of practice...plus I need to figure out why I have a song in my heart again...don't get me wrong, I LOVE that...but it's something I haven't experienced for a while...I'll keep you guys posted if I figure it out!