the knot

Four years ago today Dave, Maya and I tied the knot.
Literally:)

photo by Michael B Weddings

We each had a piece of climbing cord. Each piece of cord linked us to one another.



photo by Michael B Weddings

Dave and I chose to do this instead of lighting a unity candle. The double fisherman's knot was (still is) symbolic for us because the more stress you put on it, the stronger it gets.  

photo by Michael B Weddings

Four years ago today I knot (ha ha, get it?) only married the man of my dreams, but I married the daughter of my dreams. These two have challenged me to be a better person. They have been there for me through thick and thin.



photo by Michael B Weddings

Maya taught me how to be her Step-Mom and loves me even though I make mistakes.

She supported me when I was crying in the ER as my little Michael was getting stitches.

Maya has blessed me by being the best big sister I could have asked for to my boys.

photo by Haines Photography

Dave has held my hand and promised to love me forever, no matter how many times I screw up. And I do screw up...

photo by Michael B Weddings

Dave has become the father I never knew he could be. He loves his kids and they love him. He comforts them when they are sad, cheers for them when they try something new, and picks them up when they fall.  

We have gone from this little family...



photo by Michael B Weddings

...to this in a matter of four years. The years have been challenging, but I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I love you Dave, Maya, Michael and MacKean!

Here's to many more years together!

Support

If there is one thing I love about meeting other Step-Moms, it is the instant kinship. Although everyones' situations are different, the complex emotions are the same. Last week I attended my first Twin Cities Step-Mom Meetup Group. Thank you ladies, it was great to meet all of you! There was no shortage of things to talk about!

No matter if the times are good or the times are bad, we need each other. We need fellow Step-Moms who have gone through the same emotions. Who have walked a mile in our shoes...so to speak.

If there is one thing that has gotten me through the tough times in life (more specifically life as a Step-Mom), it has been the support of others. I am a VERY fortunate person because I have many people that love and support me.

So THANK YOU to those of you who have supported me through thick and thin. I'm eternally grateful...I just hope I can do the same for others.

Happy Monday everyone!

Merry Wordless Wednesday :)

My Story - Part 5

Over the weekend, I decided that I would be using Maya's Step-Dad's first name on here...Eric. So take note of that as you continue to read. 

I'll continue my story...

As you can imagine, having additional court hearings going on didn't help anyone. What was reported to the police was grossly exaggerated, but the case must go on, so to speak...

My plan was to take the case against me to trial, but in the end I decided to take a lower charge for Disorderly Conduct. The truth is, I didn't want to make the custody case worse by participating in another trial that placed Maya's Mom and Eric against me. Things were bad enough the way it is.

Today I want to wrap up some things:

First of all, I think it has been abundantly clear how much of a terrible time this was for myself and all the others who were fighting so hard for Maya.

Secondly, it is very painful to rehash so many of these events.

Lastly,  I have moved on with my life and bringing things up again is a painful experience. I'm pretty sure the other people in my story have also moved on.

Of course, I can't leave my story on such a cliffhanger...so I'll sum it up with this.

In September 2008, Eric was arrested for his 5th DUI in ten years. This happened shortly after day one of the custody trial. At Day two of custody trial, we were all very excited to hear that Maya's Mom decided it was time to continue her life without Eric. In November 2008, Dave and Maya's Mom were awarded equal time with Maya. The first year with 50/50 parenting time was an adjustment for everyone.

I began to see positive changes in Maya as time went on. Her life became stable, and we all fell into a nice rhythm. About a year ago was when I realized that Dave and Maya's Mom were actually able to communicate. They could make decisions without arguing.

Eric (and and his poisionous influence) was (and still is) no longer a part of Maya's life! 

Earlier this year, Maya's Mom and I began communicating again. We have made a lot of progress in our relationship. I like to say we're friends, but it's still complicated.

Thanks for listening to my story!

Now...on to the good stuff...because there are lots of good things that I want to talk about. You've seen where I've come from, and now I'm happy to start sharing the good things in my life as a Step-Mom!

Happy Monday everyone!

What's in a Name?

OK, this has been bugging me since day 1, and I need some help from you readers out there...

I have been calling him Maya's Step-Dad in this blog, but it doesn't fit. There was a time when he was Maya's Step-Dad, but he hasn't been a part of her life for over two years now. Yes, technically he is still her Step-Dad, but soon he won't even have that. So what I want to know from you guys is...what should I call him?! Sure I've got lots of nicknames for him, but I'm not sure those are appropriate for saying out loud:)

What do you think?
A) that guy
B) DB
C) ?????

Help!!! Comment below with some ideas for me please!

My Story - Part 4

I am really struggling with how much detail to go into with the next couple years of my life. There were so many things that happened that I'd just rather not get into. I have worked so hard to forgive and forget the people and things that hurt me so much.

It was vicious.
There was so much animosity and anger.
Promises were made.
Promises were broken.
No one was happy.

This was when Michael was born. I wish I could tell happier tales of this time in my life, but I can't. What should've been the happiest time in my life was my darkest.

As the holidays were approaching, tensions were mounting.

I read somewhere that every Step-Mom has at least one outburst in her life as a Step-Mom.

Christmas Eve 2007 was my breaking point.

Dave, Michael, Maya, and I were on our way to drop Maya off for our Christmas exchange. We were running 5 minutes late because Michael was finishing a bottle before we loaded the car. Five minutes was a big deal back then.

As I drove into the gas station parking lot, I decided to park by the front door instead of the parking area by the mini-van that "they" were in. I figured this would buy us a few moments to hug Maya good-bye. I was wrong. Maya's Step-Dad stormed up to my car and told us that we had our time and our time was over. We couldn't give Maya a hug and say good-bye.

In my most regretted moment, I decided to step in front of him so that Maya would have to get through Dave and I before leaving. This was not the smartest thing I have ever done...to say the least. After I said good-bye to Maya I stormed back to the drivers seat and yelled at Dave to get into the car. Maya's Step-Dad really wanted to get into it with Dave. He kept egging Dave on, and for some reason Dave wouldn't get back in the car. Not that Dave was yelling or getting upset with Maya's Step-Dad, he just didn't understand what he was getting yelled at for. I took things into my own hands because I wanted to get the h-e-double hockey sticks out of there!

I started to drive away. Only a foot or two, but Dave got the point and got into the car.

Later that night I got a phone call from the police. I was being charged with 5th degree assault and disorderly conduct. Merry Christmas to me...

My Story - Part 3

This post is a tough one for me because this was the time in my life where I was really mad at Maya's Mom and Step-Dad. I didn't understand why they made the decisions that they did. In fact, I hated them for the decisions they made. But because I now know that forgiveness is a process and I have struggled with this for years, I won't rehash many of the details. However, I will continue my story...

I was pregnant, hormonal, and needy; and Dave didn't know how to support me. Heck, he didn't know how to support himself. Our honeymoon period was quickly over and reality had really sunk in. My dark time had begun.

During the summer of 2007, I watched the man I loved torn away from the apple of his eye...
He tried to call Maya, but was told he couldn't talk to her...
He tried emailing, but was told he couldn't see her...
He tried old-fashioned snail mail, but I'm pretty sure Maya never got any of it...

When I had spare time, I would read and re-read the documents Dave had submitted with his custody motion. Reading the police reports and other court documents that described what Maya's home life was like was awful...I would look at the dates mentioned in police reports and compared them with our family calendar. It sickened me. It made me feel helpless.

It was a very powerless feeling for all of us: Dave, me, Dave's parents, extended family, everyone. There was nothing we could say to Maya's Mom and Step-Dad that would change their minds. Well...there was that one thing...they wanted Dave to drop his custody motion in exchange for being able to visit Maya again. Dave and I both agreed that was not an option for us. We knew we had to take two steps back in order to make any forward motion. It wasn't an easy decision, but it was the right one. Doing the right thing is rarely easy.

Eventually we got a court date in the right court. (I'll talk more about the "right court" in another post.) When the long awaited day finally arrived we waited anxiously to be called in to the court room. As we sat in the waiting area with family and close friends, we were tense. We waited and waited, but Maya's Mom never showed up. Eventually they called us into the court room and we waited. Finally the Judge's Clerk tried calling Maya's Mom, but there was no answer. We found out later that she was in the hospital and had given birth the day before.

Crap! What were we supposed to do? Sit and wait for a few more months before we could get a new court date and let more time pass before we could see Maya?

The Judge (bless her heart!) decided to schedule a phone conference for the following week. Dave and I finally felt a little bit of hope! In that phone call, the Judge ordered that Dave be able to see and talk to Maya!!!

It was a start, but we still had a long road ahead of us...

My Story - Part 2

So all the sudden I'm dating a man with a kid...hmm...this was not part of my plan. Of course it didn't really matter to me because Dave and Maya had both secured their place in my heart by then. I was in love with them. Both of them.

I tried to hide how truly disappointed I was that Dave had already experienced the miracle of birth with another woman. Having kids had always been a dream of mine. I tried not to think about how hurt I was and focused on building relationships instead.

Back then, Dave would visit Maya. There was no set schedule, no court order. He (or we) would pick her up and spend a few precious hours with her. The more time I spent with Maya, the more time I wanted to spend with her. Maya is an EXCEPTIONAL person. I cannot stress that enough.

Maya is EXCEPTIONAL.

Remember July 14, 2005? Well on July 14, 2006, Dave and I were on vacation in Duluth. That morning, he took me to the exact place we met, wrapped his arms around me, and asked me to marry him. YES! Of course yes! I knew I would marry him a year ago when I met him.

On Dec 23, 2006, I married the man (and daughter) of my dreams:) I was officially a Step-Mom. Yikes!

In January 2007, Dave and I started a regular parenting time schedule. Maya stayed with us every other weekend and we saw her every other Thursday evening. Life seemed pretty darn good on the surface. Under the surface was a completely different story. A storm was brewing...

Two months later, my dream of becoming a Mom was going to come true. I was pregnant!

Dave and I had about three months of newlywed bliss. It wasn't all that blissful, but compared to what was coming, it was paradise.

That May was a pivitol month for us. Dave learned some very sad things about what was happening in Maya's home. We poured ourselves into filling out paperwork, getting advice from attorneys and family members, and on May 14 Dave filed his motion for custody.

On May 15, Dave received an email from Maya's Mom and Step-Dad. They told him he could no longer see or speak to Maya until there was a court order in place.

We were devestated.

I was mad.

I shed a lot of tears during that time.

I have no idea what Maya thought during all of this. I imagine she was sad and confused.

To this day I am scared to ask her. I don't want to bring up bad memories for her.

Maya missed many things that summer, but the thing I missed the most was Maya.

Parallel Lives

When Maya was born, I was a junior in high school. Two months later, my first nephew was born. While Dave and Maya's Mom were learning how to be parents to Maya, I was nannying little Charlie when my sister went back to work. 

When Maya was one, I graduated high school, turned down a volleyball scholarship, and took a semester off.

When Maya was two, I enrolled at a state university in the music education program. 

When Maya was three, I had transfered to a different school for their music therapy program.

When Maya was four, I was still at the same school but was no longer in music therapy. I had my second major battle with depression, and dropped out of school. I moved in with my parents who had moved to MSP while I was in college. 

When Maya was five, I was still living at my parent's house. I was working full-time at REI selling climbing gear and belaying at the climbing wall. It was a really great time in my life. Later that year I took a month long road trip to Alaska via Montana, Utah, Washington, Utah again, Washington again, and then finally Alaska:) I took a job guiding kayak trips in the Kenai Fjords National Park. That summer I fell in love with Alaska and looked for ways I could stay in Alaska. I would've stayed, but the woman I had agreed to live-in nanny for ended up having an abusive ex and I decided I didn't want to be a part of that situation. So I moved back in with my parents.

When Maya was six, she and I met.

When Maya was seven, Dave and I were engaged and married.

When Maya was eight, Dave filed for custody after he found out some sad truths. That fall, I had my first baby. Little Michael.

When Maya was nine, we were engaged in a full out custody battle and I was battling with anxiety and depression.

When Maya was ten, we were out of family court and establishing new routines. Stability for me and Maya was just beginning.

When Maya was (still is actually) eleven, Maya's Mom and I started talking. We started attending Maya's events together. I had my second baby...my silly monkey MacKean:) There is real stability in Maya and my lives. Hurtful people are gone. Old enemies are new friends. 

Now as Maya is approaching twelve, I am hopeful. Happy.

My Story - Part 1

Several years ago, I started this blog as a way to help me understand what was going on in my life as a Step-Mom. It ended up being a place where I vented...and it became very negative...because I was feeling very negative and frustrated with my situation. (Who hasn't, right?!) So I stopped making posts for about two years. Now, I'm back and I have a lot to share...and this time around, it won't be so negative:)

Now let me take you back to the summer of 2005 and we'll start from the beginning...

On July 14, 2005, I met Dave. I will never forget that day...in fact, I will never forget the entire weekend we spent together. We were both volunteering at The Greenman Music Festival in Duluth. I came by myself, and Dave came with his friend. Maybe it was all the fun loving hippies we were surrounded by, or maybe it was something else, but by the end of that weekend I knew Dave and I would be together for a very long time. The problem: he lived in MSP and I did too at the time, but I was moving to Duluth at the end of the month.

Bummer!

Obviously the story doesn't end there...so let me continue...

The festival was over and life went on. I won't go into too many details about the times that Dave and I were dating, but one particular day does stand out in my memory. It was about two weeks after Greenman and I was over at Dave's house meeting his roommates and friends. Someone asked Dave about Maya. His daughter. His daughter? He has a daughter?! Huh???

Surprise!

It was like a punch in the stomach...sort of...and not neccessarily in a bad way...just very unexpected news! Now I'm not going to lie, I was pretty mad that Dave hadn't told me from the beginning. However, Dave and I spent lots of time talking about it after I found out and I can see his perspective now, in hind-sight.  He liked me and didn't want to scare me away, and in all honesty, I might have made the same choice if I were in his shoes. His life with Maya was complicated...

Stay tuned for Part 2...and maybe Part 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and...well you get the point...I have lots to say!

How did all the other Step-Moms out there find out there were kids involved in your relationships?