It didn't take Dave and I long to decide that we would have our own children. We'd talked about it at length and after only two months of marriage we were surprised to find out we were having a baby:) Michael has been such a blessing to us, and has really bound our family together. Michael was the one person in our family that was connected to each of us by blood. He cemented our family ties.
For a long time life went on without question from Michael. Partly because he couldn't talk:) and partly because he knew no other family schedule. I started to do some research on what to tell Michael about Maya and her being a part of two families, why she wasn't here all the time, where she was when Maya was at her Mom's, who her Mom was, etc...but came up blank every time. I knew Michael was starting to get curious about things, but had no clue what to tell him.
When Michael was two, he understood that we dropped Maya off at school in the mornings. So that was what we told him. Maya was at school. Even when she wasn't. It made me feel a bit guilty because it was a lie, but I didn't know what else to say. I wanted Michael to understand, but I didn't want to confuse him.
The school thing did work for a while, but then Michael turned three and started asking questions. Questions I did not know how to answer.
CRAP! How do I explain this to a three year old?!
I was completely at a loss. Then I thought about something...someone actually. There is one person in this world that could understand and might even have advice for me. After all, she does have two younger kids that are dealing with the same thing. Maya's Mom. So I asked her, and she had a really great solution. Here's what she told me:
Lightbulb! How had I never thought of this in such simple terms?"Here's what I've had to tell elliot and fisher...I explained to them that there are different kinds of families...some houses have a mom, some have a dad, some have a mom and dad...and some have 2 moms or 2 dads...had to add that last one in there!! They know that I am mayas mom and dave is her dad. They know that I am their mom and eric is their dad. I told them that some moms and dads don't live together but they both love their kids. I would tell michael...if you want my advice...that you are his mom and dave is his dad and I am mayas mom and dave is her dad. And sometimes moms and dads don't live together. And you are mayas 'bonus' mom (I just read that term in a magazine). its the easiest way to explain it w/o going into all the gory details. Hopefully he gets it and doesn't ask too many questions. Those are just my thoughts. Let me know how it goes..."
Have you ever asked for advice from "the ex"? It can be a little scary and a little humbling, but in the end Maya's Mom was the only one that could really understand my situation...from just about every angle. There is a lot more I need to learn about parenting my boys vs. stepparenting Maya and how to be effective at both simultaneously, but I think with a little help I'll be just fine. Afterall, I'm not on this journey alone...there are many people that I can lean on for support and advice. Today I am thankful for all those people!
Happy Monday,
The Other Mother
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